Role models
I found out recently that children mirror their parents. Apparently they mirror 80% of you. That’s quite a lot of you reflected through your child. It sounds obvious, but I’m not just talking about looks. I mean mirroring behaviour. Your body language, your voice and your actions. So this got me wondering, does that mean from now on as my little girl continues to absorb life, she will be eagerly watching and learning almost everything we do? Absorbing 80% of our behaviour sounds quite alarming if you’re having an ‘off’ day. And as every parent has ‘off’ days, should we be concerned about what that means for our children?
The stress that comes with being a parent definitely doesn’t need any more pressure. However, when faced with the reality of this statistic - it causes you to stop and take a look in the mirror! Pun fully intended. You may suddenly start to feel like parenting is one big show, an act, perhaps never really wanting to show your weaknesses, your struggles, and your mistakes. You are giving this job everything you have, because you want to, and because that’s the only way you know how. And now the pressure builds as you know that your child is an extension of you and if they come across badly or misunderstood, what’s that saying about you as a person, as a parent, a family?
I realised I needed to know exactly what it meant to be a good role model so that I was fully prepared to be mirrored! Obviously, that meant googling it. The first thing that came up was a list of 7 characteristics. I scrolled through the list and started to mentally ‘tick’ which ones I thought I might be able to claim. It suggested that being a good role model involved positivity, leadership, confidence, knowledge, being respectful, a risk taker, and kindness (although this was a little bit too far down the list for my liking) I wondered is that it? Can I show some of these attributes? I certainly try, but it can’t be done all the time (I am talking about those ‘off’ days here). Then I realised that something was missing from the list. Being able to show weakness. I googled some more. The list of characteristics changes slightly, ‘hardworking, optimistic, moral, uniqueness, being kind outside your job…’ Still, I couldn’t find a section that highlighted that showing weakness was so important.
So for me, I have chosen to interpret that being a good role model for our children isn’t just about all those characteristics. It’s about finding an appropriate way to show our children that being a ‘good’ role model doesn’t always mean being ‘good’ all the time and getting things right when the children are watching. Don’t get me wrong, I want to be the best person I can be, but I also want to hold my hands up when I make a mistake, highlight when things don’t go well, or I’ve said the wrong thing, perhaps reacted in a way that I may not be proud of. Even when our children aren’t present to these moments. Let’s be honest, let’s share our mistakes and failings. Setting a good example of how to fail and owning up to mistakes, even wrongdoings will show children that recognition and reflection are vital. Even though this can be harder, it’s what we learn in these moments and how we respond which makes us grow and in my opinion, become better people. Most importantly, how can we expect them to learn and manage failure if we don’t let them witness us doing it?
Children also need to be able to look up to role models outside of their immediate family. As we know children can be really impressionable so surround yourselves with a range of great role models (of all creeds, colour and genders). We know they will always find some people you’d rather they didn’t follow, copy or admire, and even though we won’t always be able to control this side of things, what we can control is ensuring that there are plenty of positive people in their lives as they grow up.
So let our children mirror the good, the bad and (maybe not all the ugly) and let’s shine the light on what it really means to be a role model, and not just an idealistic image of what we want and hope they see. And let’s face it, these parents don’t exist anyway. Although having said that, I might just let my daughter believe that the perfect mum exists for a little bit longer...
Role Model goals:
Be honest - let them see your mistakes and struggles. They can learn so much from talking about what you learnt from different experiences, especially when they didn’t go your way.
Be kind - try to show kindness to everyone, your children will see this and copy this. It’s so contagious!
Model working hard and perseverance - this can be done during any activity. Gardening, cooking, cleaning - children can see it’s how important effort is (and not just in school).
Be positive & optimistic- try to turn statements into positive where possible without being unrealistic!
Listen to your children. Really engage with their ideas, their comments, their questions. They will feel valued and it will boost their self esteem, helping their confidence and attitude.
